Ep. 14: Navigating your biggest fertility fears
I’ve really been looking forward to today’s episode because, while it’s not about periods or ovulation or diagnoses, it is about an aspect of fertility that every couple encounters at some point or another in their fertility journey - the fear of the unknown.
We talk a lot about the mechanics of our cycles, what may be going on, how to support our reproductive health, how to advocate for our needs - but, for most, the mechanics of the cycle aren’t nearly as scary as the possibilities.
And there are a lot of possibilities when it comes to a couple’s fertility:
having children
not having children
how many children they’ll have
how far apart they’ll be
how much their family will cost
what their free time is suddenly going to look like
A couple’s fertility is the doorway to all of those possibilities and more. And that can feel scary.
Maybe you know this fear well, or maybe it’s new to you. Either way, I think it’s a good thing to take a moment to talk about.
This week, I asked our instagram followers @wovenfertility to share what they’re currently most afraid of as it relates to their fertility, and got some great insight. There were 3 almost equal answers, but the number one fear was getting pregnant before they felt ready.
And, who can blame them?! This is a fear I hear very consistently from many of my new clients, especially couples who are working with me after coming off of hormonal contraception. They are going from what’s marketed as THE most effective form of making sure you don’t get pregnant, to… what? Nothing?! haha Definitely, not nothing. But that’s what it can feel like when you’re fighting all those years of developmental learning that said the pill was the only effective way to avoid pregnancy.
When I ask these couples, or let’s narrow it down to women today - even though I know men struggle with these fears, too - our audience is largely women, so let’s stick with you ladies today. So, when I ask these women, why they feel this - sometimes crippling - fear about getting pregnant before they’re ready, what I hear most often, at the heart of it, is that a baby would disappoint their plans for the future. And they may not say those words specifically, but they’ll say something very valid like:
We want to be in a better place financially before we grow our family
We want to be in a house instead of an apartment before we have a baby
I’d like to get this promotion before I even think of maternity leave, or
We’ve always wanted to travel to X, Y, Z before we have kids
All of these are valid and great - there’s no one “right time” for every couple to start having kids, or to have more kids - and everyone has different reasons that are right for them.
But when the pressure to not have a baby starts bringing stress and strain into the marriage, or all she can think about is not getting pregnant, or the fear of that possibility becomes so great that she feels like she’s just constantly carrying 2,000 pounds worth of worry and potential disappointments on her shoulders - the fear has taken over.
And this is what I want to focus on today.
Of course it’s not isolated to just couples wanting to avoid pregnancy. On that instagram poll I mentioned, the second largest group was women who were afraid that they wouldn’t be able to get pregnant, now that they were ready and trying.
And phew - is that so real.
I can’t tell you how often I hear this. Trading in one deep fear for another. So many couples who have been afraid to get pregnant, then become terrified that they won’t be able to now that they’re ready.
But often this fear is there, too, for couples who want to achieve a pregnancy early in their marriage, for instance. They haven’t been afraid of pregnancy too early, but they are deeply afraid of not being able to get pregnant when they try.
Two possibilities: being pregnant when you’re not ready, being ready when you’re not pregnant But the same fear: A life different than the one you imagined. Maybe drastically different. Deep disappointment. Suffering!
I think, specifically for the couples who hope to achieve a pregnancy, that this fear often comes along with the realization that they can’t actually control how quickly they become pregnant. Despite what 10th grade health class always suggested, it can’t just happen any time of the month and, as many couples discover, it can take many months to conceive a pregnancy, even without any fertility issues. Basically, there are no guarantees.
Which leads to our last group over 25% in our instagram poll, who said their biggest fear was that one day, when they were ready to have children, they would struggle with infertility or secondary infertility.
The theme with these fertility related fears are the same as so many other areas of fear in our lives. We don’t want to suffer. We don’t want to walk through pain and isolation and unknowns.
And I think that, overall, we know that we can’t control every aspect of our lives. We know that.
We may have plans to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, but we know the journey to get to that point is difficult. And we can’t control injury, or a pandemic travel restrictions, or millions of other things.
We may strive to be our company’s CEO, but we know there are many other qualified professionals and it simply may or may not happen.
We have goals, and we work towards them, but we also know that - life is a journey, and each phase a season, and we do our best to embrace that journey along the way.
But fertility feels a little bit different, doesn’t it?
It sorta feels like we do have a little control over it… at least, that’s what the message is.
Don’t want to get pregnant? Take the pill!
Not immediately getting pregnant when you’re ready? Do IUI! Do IVF!
There are ways around these things - these pesky mysteries of human life and creation.
When it comes down to it, though, are those things really true?
We’ve talked before about how there is no method to 100% avoid pregnancy, outside of abstinence. That’s just a reality. You will not find any method advertised otherwise — even having your tubes tied can still end in a pregnancy!
And IVF is not all that effective - and I know I may be stepping on some tender toes there. But the average US success rate for IVF is 25-37%, depending on the study, and that’s including women that don’t have any reproductive health issues to address, like those who want to have a baby without a male partner.
Fertility is different. It’s uniquely out of our ultimate control, regardless of culture, wealth, science, you name it (although the world continues to try to change that fact).
But while it’s difficult, sometimes heart-wrenching, to acknowledge that lack of control, it also positions us, as women, to experience the closeness and comfort and love of the God who is in control.
Whether you want to become a mother or not, your fertility, as a couple, is tied up in that possibility. And, because of all we’ve just talked about, we know it’s vulnerable and precious.
And it is an act of worship and obedience to put that vulnerable and precious thing on the altar.
It’s hard. It’s so hard. But it’s also so, so good.
In the process, I have seen God show up in incredible ways - demonstrating love and presence and faithfulness. And we are invited to experience this goodness and intimacy with God with the promise that God will do a good thing through it - in our lives and, hopefully, in the world.
Maybe it’s not the same as other areas of fear in our lives. Because it really is more intimate, and - because of that - more meaningful.
Listen, fertility is messy - we’re invited in to the process in such a tangible way. God actually gives us a say in the bringing of a new soul into creation, which I still find completely awe inspiring. God values our input and desires our prayers and participation. But at the end of the day, I do think it is for our good - as women, and families, and generations - to remember that God is the creator of all life. The control belongs to God, as does the future.
And what does that invite us to in the process?
Trust. Obedience. Patience. Submission.
Not as one tossed on the waves of the sea, but one deeply rooted by streams of living water. Knowing where our sustenance comes from, and trusting that it will remain, through the blossom of spring, the droughts of summer, and the hard frost of winter.
We are rooted, not in our circumstances, but in our God - who is no stranger to suffering.
Jesus experienced the mockery of his hometown, the loss of loved ones, the unmet expectations by his closest friends, and the deep pain of physical and emotional suffering. And he walks with you on this journey, whatever yours may be.
I can’t tell you to not be afraid, because - well that’s just not realistic. It’s okay to be uncertain about what’s ahead. It’s okay to acknowledge how vulnerable and precious this area of your life is.
But I want to remind you how good and gracious your God is.
When you get that positive pregnancy test at what feels like the worst time,
or you wait month after month without receiving one,
or you feel overwhelmed by the fears of the future unknowns…
God invites you to rest in strength that we can’t provide ourselves.
It won’t always be easy and straightforward, but it always has the potential to be good and rich and meaningful. Remember that you are not alone. That the pressure is not on your shoulders. That you serve a God who is the Creator of all life, and has promised to work toward your good and God’s glory.
Maybe one of the most popular Scripture passages is Psalm 23. It may feel cliche for me to read it, but it’s good y’all! It’s been such a source of encouragement and connection for me to our Shepherd, and I thought it’d be a good way for us to end today.
Psalm 23:
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.