Ep. 15: Dealing with Fertility Focused Anxiety with Ashley Yeager, LICSW

Caitlin:

Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast as we continue our conversation we began last week on the topic of fertility fears. While last week we talked about what the most common fertility fears are and how to navigate those big emotions around something that is so important and so precious, today we’re going to talk about how to know when that fear has started developing into anxiety. 

To help us do that, I’ve invited therapist Ashley Yeager to share with us. Ashley is a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Yeager Counseling, LLC. She provides counseling to individuals, couples and families, and a big part of her practice focuses on helping women (and men) find relief from anxiety. 

Ashley, last week our episode was on fear on our fertility journey and how it can pop up along the way, whether we are avoiding pregnancy and terrified of getting pregnant before we’re ready, or trying to achieve a pregnancy and nervous that we won’t be able to. I’m curious, to start - do you hear fears like this from clients yourself?

Ashley:

Oh yes. All the time. I see many women individually and couples together that would say they’re more nervous about these issues than they’d like to be or feel they should be. It’s normal for us all to feel worried about something that would change our lives, like pregnancy, but sometimes this worry can start to feel overwhelming, unwanted or unmanageable. 

Caitlin: It sounds like it’s not uncommon for those normal fears to possibly turn into anxiety - for those with a history of anxiety and maybe those without? How can someone tell the difference between just being nervous about these things and experiencing anxiety over them?

Ashley: Anxiety is having reoccurring worries or negative thoughts, feelings of tension or stress, or like you are unable to relax. It’s actually kind of tricky to tell the difference sometimes but can help to ask questions like how often do you find yourself worrying about it? Do negative, anxious thoughts pop up when you don’t want them too? Are they overly bothersome? Some people with anxiety would also say they routinely have symptoms like stomach issues, headaches, difficulty falling or staying asleep, and feelings of panic or increased heart rate. One of my favorite counselors, Sissy Goff, defines anxiety as thinking something, whatever you’re anxious about, is really big and you are really small in comparison. Anxiety doubts your abilities, strengths and resources in the face of something big or scary. 

Caitlin: I would imagine that this is the point where it may start affecting your daily life, and maybe even your relationship dynamics with your spouse. What can women do in those moments, when they feel anxious about getting pregnant or anxious about not being able to get pregnant when they’re ready?

Ashley: There are actually lots of tools and tips that could fill more time than we have but one of my favorites is to ask two questions- how are you making the fear and situation big? And two, how are you discounting yourself and your abilities or even Gods abilities? These questions help us assess our anxious thoughts. Maybe you realize you don’t want to be pregnant yet so early in your marriage and that feels really big to the first question but to the second you may realize how you’re doubting your own abilities and strengths as a potential mom, or the fact that you’d have family and friends to help if it happened, or even that God would give you the skills and tools needed to be a parent even though the timing feels way off for you. It may not make the nervousness go completely away but it could help you feel more empowered and therefore lower the fear.  

Caitlin: I so appreciate you mentioning God’s part in this journey, because that really does change things for us, doesn’t it? We’re never alone in this - no matter our intention or fear.

Ashley: Exactly! For those of us who believe and trust in God, we know we don’t have to be afraid, but man… that’s hard to remember sometimes. We get to trust in God’s plan for our lives and even give our big fears or anxieties to Him. He knows we’re afraid. He sees us and thankfully he meets us there and provides. That doesn’t mean there isn’t grief or hardship in the process.. it just means we have someone to rely on during the challenges. 

Caitlin: Precisely. Love it. What are some other tips?

Ashley: Another tool I like to use with clients to help manage anxieties is to ask “what is in and what is outside of your control?”. For example, if you’re trying to get pregnant you may say something like, “I have control of checking and charting my cervical mucus, taking with my partner about timing of sex, seeking medical care if needed, etc” and outside of your control may be “physically getting pregnant, among others”. This tool helps us remember what we can realistically do as well as what is actually out of our capabilities or responsibility that we can release to the Lord. 

And then thirdly, when feeling anxious we can ask what is the worst case scenario, best case scenario and what is the middle of the two. Anxiety typically wants us to think about the worst case scenario rather than recognizing there are other options out there. So maybe you are feeling anxious that you will get pregnant again while having young children and you really don’t think you can handle another newborn phase. Worst case, you’re already for sure pregnant no question... best case, you aren’t pregnant right now and you have another two years before you’ll conceive again, and middle... you’re actually just a few days late and your period will start soon. Again, this thought challenging tool helps us to keep our anxieties in check rather than believing the automatic negative thoughts that pop into our head that keep our anxiety spiraling. 

Caitlin: I love, too, that there are clearly options for anxiety management outside of medication depending, of course, on the person and the scenario. At what point would consistent therapy or medicinal support be a good thing, in general?

Ashley: I really believe that anyone can benefit from therapy as it gives you a non-judgmental space to process whatever is needed, even if just for a short time. So, if you’re feeling at all overwhelmed with your fears or having a hard time coping with unwanted anxious thoughts it may be a good time to seek support. There is definitely a space for anti anxiety medication but it’s good to remember that it’s most beneficial when paired with therapy. 

Caitlin: Ashley, I really do feel like this has been valuable information for our listeners. We’ve talked a lot about women, but of course any of this could apply to men, too! Our listeners are predominantly women, though. Anything else that you’d like to share with us today?

Ashley: I’m just so grateful to get to chat with you today. Anxiety is so common and not something to be ashamed or afraid of as there is so much hope for healing. I love working alongside my clients and seeing them accomplish their goals and start feeling better. 

Caitlin: Thank you for helping to create that safe space for women and men to talk through these fears and anxieties and realize - other people feel this way, too!!! 

For all those listening, I hope this has been an enlightening and encouraging episode for you as you move through those big feelings related to all the possibilities of your fertility. We had a ton of very practical tips today, which I hope can be really useful to all of us! 

If you’re in the state of Alabama and would like to work with Ashley, you can contact her through ashleyyeagercounseling.com. But I encourage anyone interested to reach out trusted local resources to find a therapist that’s right for you. As Ashley said, sometimes meeting with someone one or two times can make all the difference in the world. 

If this episode has been helpful to you, I would like to humbly ask you to leave a written review for Woven Well podcast on your listening platform of choice to help others find this content. We so appreciate you listening! 

Thank you for joining us today as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.