Ep.18: Nurturing Intimacy while practicing NFP and beyond

Today we’re going to continue the wonderful conversation started last week by our interview with Kadie and Ethan, as they shared about how the Creighton system specifically has helped them connect and deepen their relationship within their marriage. That is a beautiful aspect of using a natural method, specifically the Creighton method, as well - because that is a key focus of the system. 

Creighton allows you to understand your fertility in order to make informed decisions - about health & wellness, family planning, fertility treatments, and more - but that’s not the only goal or benefit. Another is to be used as a shared system that truly respects the dignity of women and of marriage, and so it can be a practice that works to further unite you within your marriage. 

Which makes sense, when you think about one of the main factors we consider in a couple’s fertility is when they choose to have intercourse. And intercourse itself is designed by God to be both procreative and, unitive. Procreative meaning “to procreate” or to have biological children, and unitive meaning “to bond” or unite two into one.

If you’ve been listening to our podcasts from the beginning, you may be tempted to think we’re a little heavy on the procreative side - but I assure you both are equally important, and we know it and celebrate it! 

We focus so much on the fertility or procreative aspect for a couple of reasons - several, actually. 

One is that there is a cultural assumption out there that sex can be separated from procreation. And not only is this simply not true - there is no 100% effective method to avoid pregnancy outside of abstinence - it also starts leading us down a path that I truly do not feel is for our greatest good. Sex is an interconnected and complicated gift, in the best way possible. It’s full of good things for us - physically, emotionally, spiritually. So when we start to strip away any of those aspects that make it what it is as a whole, we start reducing it to something that gets progressively emptier and more temporary. 

So we want to speak about the importance of keeping the aspect of biological children interconnected with sex as one of those “good things” for us in sex - because it matters. And if we never talk about it, we may lose sight of why - So we talk about the fact that sex creates babies. And that that’s not something to mourn and despair about, but to understand and embrace.

At the same time, there’s this other assumption out there that we want to be intentional about combating too - which is that a natural approach like ours only focuses on making babies. That couples ought to have as many babies as possible. That if you use a natural family planning system, you must want to have a really large family. Nope. None of that is true for everyone, or even most couples we work with.

We feel very confident that God is active and involved in the bringing of new souls into creation, and God will give each couple guidance on when they should try to grow their family biologically, and when they should be avoiding pregnancy. Remember, God designed our systems and gave us tangible ways to see exactly when we, as couples, are fertile and infertile. We can use that information, along with prayerful discernment, to make those decisions each month about whether to avoid or achieve a pregnancy. So using a natural approach does not mean you automatically want dozens of children or that you are more likely to have an unplanned pregnancy. And it’s really important that we say this a lot, too. 

Finally, another really important reason we talk a lot about the procreative or fertility side of things is because - most couples don’t know anything about it, and we think they ought to have the option! I wish that fertility education was offered equally alongside hormonal contraception or fertility treatments, but it’s not - so we have to provide resources to get the information out there. 

But, all that being said, the unitive aspect to sex is equally as important as the procreative aspect, and we are here for it. 

So what does it mean for sex to be unitive? 

For starters, it’s a physical demonstration of the fact that two individuals are becoming one. And there’s a mystery in this. Paul agrees. How can two become one?

Genesis 2:24 is where we hear it first, after sharing how God created woman as a partner for man,  it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” And this verse comes up several times throughout the new testament to describe this special relationship between husband and wife. Maybe you’ve also heard Scripture refer to sex as “intimately knowing” one another. 

Even if we struggle with the imagery of two becoming one, we know that sex plays a significant role in bringing that reality to be. This act is not designed to be self focused, but the opposite. 

It’s meant to bring the marriage relationship to a place of intimacy that no other relationship can achieve - even relationships as close and special and meaningful as father and mother. 

It’s meant to be sacrificial - not in a debasing or abusive way, absolutely - but in a way that constantly says, you value their good and you can rest in the fact that they value yours. You are safe with them, and they are safe with you. You give out of this vulnerable place. You are authentically yourself with them. They see all of you - hopes, fears, mistakes, temptations, naked body, ugly moles. You give all of yourself to them - to join as one with them. And, as they give in that way back to you, you both are brought closer to understanding how Christ would give himself totally for us, the Church. 

It’s a mystery y’all. But it’s one worth continually exploring. 

It also means it’s exclusive. You can’t have that kind of raw, authentic, sacrificial, bonding experience with anyone. When you join together in marriage - in holy union, - you say that in order to reach those depths of intimacy with your spouse, you forsake all others. That adds to that trust and respect needed in order to be truly vulnerable and sacrificial. 

So in this way - embracing sex as both a procreative and unitive act - we invite God in, to even this intimate aspect of our lives and marriages. 

And with it being this important and special to a marriage, of course it’s a big deal to choose to use a family planning system that helps you avoid pregnancy by choosing not to have any genital contact during certain times of the month! 

But we don’t leave you stranded. And God didn’t leave you stranded with only this one way to develop this intimate bond as husband and wife. 

At Woven, we focus a lot on whole person intimacy. Because you don’t only want to be one, and vulnerable, and safe, and intimate through intercourse. You want to know one another spiritually, intellectually, creatively, emotionally, and in physical ways outside of intercourse. 

Of course, for many, the easiest way to express all those things at once is through that sexual intimacy - because again, it can be the complete giving of two people to becoming one - It represents the giving of all aspects of ourselves. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other ways to express and practice that, that mean a lot. 

Kadie and Ethan spoke to this some in the last episode, and even gave a few examples of what this may look like in their marriage. But what’s deeply meaningful to one couple may not mean a thing to another couple. 

So I’d ask you - What gives you deeper insight into your spouse? What do you love doing together when you have a free afternoon? What does your spouse already do that makes you feel seen and loved? What’s something you know and appreciate about your spouse that others miss? 

Talk together about those things. Take time to think about ways that you best receive love from your spouse, and ways you could express love to your spouse. 

You can be intimate, you can deeply connect, and express love - without intercourse. 

And we don't want you to have to do that all the time! 

But for those few days each month where that may be the choice that you make together, in order to avoid a pregnancy… it can provide a new opportunity - each month! - to show love, deepen intimacy, express affection, and bond together as husband and wife in ways possibly overlooked before. That is the whole person intimacy we’re talking about - And marriage is the better for it. 

Now any couple can practice this! You do not have to use a natural approach to family planning in order to identify and prioritize that whole person intimacy and union in a marriage. 

But a natural family planning system gives you the absolute perfect opportunity to do so. It arrives each month. Both you and your spouse can see it approaching and departing together. It’s the perfect opportunity to talk about these topics, to practice this type of intimacy, and confirm you’re on the same page about whether or not to grow your family, all at the same time. Communication! 

And this is why we talk over and over again about couples using this system together. One person simply cannot make all of these decisions or bear the sole weight of the responsibility alone - at least, not in a unifying and supportive way. 

It’s going to look different for each couple - one couple is going to share the tasks differently than the next. Everyone doesn’t have to share it in the same exact way. But communication about the intention is best done consistently and openly. 

You have the opportunity to talk about it every other month, each quarter, or at the start of each new cycle. 

You also may choose to talk about it again during the window of fertility, even if you already talked about it at the start of the cycle! That’s okay! 

Just as we’re constantly open to the leading of the Spirit in other areas of our lives, we can be open and receptive to the Spirit’s guidance here. Acknowledging that as a couple, and being a safe place for your spouse to share the Lord’s leading - whether it’s toward avoiding or achieving - is an important part of the full, vulnerable, sacrificial giving found in physical intimacy. 

This is one of those topics where we could talk so much more about each and every point. And I want to! But I hope this can be a good starting point in rethinking the intimacy you share with your spouse, and how to make the most of that intimacy, even when avoiding pregnancy and genital contact. 

You may be wondering if we talk about any of this in client follow ups, and the answer is yes. The conversations are always different, but I make a point to talk about it with each couple who’s using the system. We even have a few activities for you to do together to get you started in talking about some of these topics that may not come naturally to you the first time. We want to help you be successful, and - more than that - to thrive in your marriage while using Creighton. 

If you’d like to work with us and give us the honor of partnering with you toward that goal, then I’d recommend attending our introductory session this month. 

We are actually offering two this month! One in the morning and one in the evening. You can register for either at wovenfertility.com/join-us. 

We won’t dive into your marriage and intimacy at that meeting, it’s an online, group presentation that helps you learn more about the practical aspects of your fertility and how to use the Creighton method. And we’d love for you to join us! 

Until then, thanks for joining us today as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well!