Ep. 48: Struggling with Infertility during the Holidays, with Kerri-Anne Brown, LMHC
Caitlin Estes:
Welcome to the Woven Well Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started.
Caitlin Estes:
Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast. It is that time of year when there are holiday parties and Christmas cards, family get togethers, church events, just so many things happening. And these can be challenging for many reasons, for any person out there, but many who find themselves in a season of infertility find this time especially challenging at woven natural fertility care. We see this, we acknowledge it, and we want to support you through it. And there are lots of amazing organizations and professionals out there who want to support you during this time too. Kerri- Ann Brown, a licensed mental health counselor in Florida, is definitely not a stranger to our show. She shared tips with us back in October, 2022 for emotionally processing pregnancy loss. That's episode 42 if you're interested in going back and listening. And now she's joining us to offer some counsel on why so many dealing with infertility, find this time of year to be challenging and some tips to help get through all those holiday events and feelings and everything that stirred up through the holidays. So, Kerri- Ann, thank you so much for joining us today.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Yeah, thanks for having me back.
Caitlin Estes:
For those who may not have heard your last episode with us, would you mind sharing again, what you do for a living, who you serve, what your work is?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
I'm a licensed mental health counselor. I have an online practice in Florida, and I work with women who are on the path to growing their families, um, dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss, recurrent pregnancy loss, postpartum adjustments once they have been able to have their babies.
Caitlin Estes:
Wonderful. So I mentioned some of the events that happen in the last six weeks of the year. It's an incredibly busy time. Yeah, yeah. And one that's often full of parties and good food and celebrations. Lots of good things, but share with us why it's this time of year that can sometimes feel harder than other times for couples walking through infertility.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Yeah. Like you mentioned, I think the holidays in general are particularly stressful. Time. There's just a lot more happening. You know, you talk about events and holiday parties and gifts and shopping and like all the things. So you have that coupled with being on the infertility path and whether that is appointments and you know, all the things that come along with that. Or making decisions around should we start, should we wait until after the holidays are over and start of the new year. Lots of big decisions that need to be made paired with the holidays. I think it just really makes a perfect storm,
Caitlin Estes:
That stress of, even if they are happy events and exciting events, you know, some people really get enjoy getting to spend time with their families and go to the church events and have the work parties, but sometimes that can feel like a lot in and of itself. And then you have the added emotional stress. And I love that you pointed out the decisions that you have to make and appointments and medications and all those things that are still happening in the midst of travel plans and parties and everything. I think that's a really good point. And I would imagine in the midst of those parties and events and everything, that you can still feel different. You're talking with people who are maybe walking a different path or they're there with their families. Could that be an added burden as well?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Absolutely. I think the, the other challenge too is the holidays serve as a marker of time for a lot of people going through infertility. Right? So it's like one more year, one more holiday or still on the, the journey, right? And maybe they said to themselves last year, you know, next year this time, you know, what are they going to be expecting? Or would've already had our baby? And then here they are not having any of those dreams realized. So this marker of time, I think also adds to the heightened emotional stress that's experienced during this time.
Caitlin Estes:
I think about how many couples often dream about finding out that they're pregnant on Christmas. Yeah. Or announcing their pregnancy at Christmas. You see that all the time on social media. So I think about couples that I've worked with. When you say we thought we were going to be at this point at this Christmas. Yeah. Even if it's announcing at Christmas, you know, people have those expectations. That's a really
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Good point. And I think something that people often say to themselves is, you know, a lot can happen in a year, right? And so you think whole year like, geez, anything's possible. And so when it doesn't happen and this timeframe, it's um, discouraging and disappointing and they're having to walk through the holidays with that.
Caitlin Estes:
I think it's hard too, when I think about the couples who I've worked with who say Christmas feels like a time for families mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so sometimes couples can feel isolated because they don't have a family unit in the traditional sense. Do you find that to be true with those you work with?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Yeah, I think so. I mean, really infertility is an invisible struggle. You know, you can't look at someone and just see and know, oh yeah, they're going through infertility, right? Yeah. So, because the struggle is so invisible, um, you are walking through the holidays being around people who are feeling joyous and, you know, filled with gratitude and all of these things. And you have to make room for, you know, holding space for your own grief and your disappointments. And it creates a lot of isolation and loneliness, particularly in a time of year when they're supposed to be a sense of, you know, togetherness and, you know, community and all of that.
Caitlin Estes:
I really like that you said we need to make space for grief because it is very important to acknowledge it and like you're saying, make room for it in your life. But I'm curious to hear from you, is it also important to make space for gratitude or like being intentional to focus on maybe the gifts that are in your current phase of life? Or do you find that that's actually not helpful in the processing?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
No, I think it's equally important, right? So acknowledging and making space for the grief because it's real and it does exist, but also taking time to cultivate connection and joy and peace and all of those things that help to build a sense of peace. Infertility is a part of your life, not your entire, it's not the whole of your being. And so being able to allow room for, for other things, I, it's really important that you do that.
Caitlin Estes:
I love that idea of simultaneously acknowledging grief and joy at the same time, positives and negatives, because that's life, isn't it? I mean, we're all walking through with both joys and sufferings every single day, and they're going to be different for each one of us. But acknowledging both of them is important. Anytime we try to shut off the suffering and pretend it's not there and put a smile on our face, that is not good for us. And it's not good for those that are around us. But vice versa is true too. If we try to shut off the joy and only live in the suffering, then that's not good for us or those around us either. But finding that balance of living between both is a challenge, which is probably why so many want to have that benefit of counseling, of community, of that support because it's something that's done a lot easier when we do have that support and encouragement from others.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
For sure. Yeah, for
Caitlin Estes:
Sure. So what are some of those tips that you would recommend for managing all this holiday stress? As couples walk through infertility,
Kerri-Anne Brown:
It's really important to have a communication plan, right? Cause like you mentioned, with all these gatherings and holiday parties and events, um, it's very likely that conversations may come up around family planning and what's going on, right? And so you would be well served to go into those conversations, feeling prepared and knowing how you may want to respond. Identifying what your boundaries are, like, what things are off limits that you don't feel comfortable talking about, that you need to have a hard boundary around, and what errors you're okay with sharing and how much, right? There's limitations even to some things that we want to share. And discussing that ahead of time with your partners so you're both on the same page, right? Mm. So definitely having a communication plan I think is very critical. Yeah. Another thing I think is really helpful is social media. Social media can be very helpful in, you know, accessing helpful resources and finding connection in community and all of those beautiful things. It can also be a source of pain for a lot of people. And so recognizing what boundaries you need to establish around that, you know, that might look like having to mute or unfollow certain accounts, um, or maybe even taking the social media fast, right? So the holidays are over. That's okay too.
Caitlin Estes:
Yes. I'm all about taking a break.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. We all need that. We all need that. And that's okay. You know, going through infertility can feel like a lot of your life is out of control, you know? So it's important to remember you're not powerless. You still have control over a lot of things, over many things in your life. And social media happens to be one of 'em, know mm-hmm.
Caitlin Estes:
<affirmative>, you know? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, there is no shame in blocking that really happy pregnant friend over those next few months. You know that you still love that friend. Yes, you're still happy for her. You know, like none of that changes, but it's okay to temporarily block her while you try to enjoy your Christmas. So, you know, there's no issues with that. And I am also a huge fan of taking a break from social media. I completely agree with you that it can be really helpful and beneficial for resources and connection and finding other people who are walking through what you're walking through. I really do. But it often will get to the point where it can take over a little bit and we start comparing or feeling less than, or who knows what else. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I'm right there with you. Yeah.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
So just paying attention to how you're feeling as you're scrolling and using social media. If you are having certain reactions that you don't want to have, then that might be an indication that you need to reassess and, you know, either on follow, like I said, or mute or take a fast or whatever it is, but it's an indication that something different needs to happen. Yeah. Activity level, <laugh>, uh, you mentioned, right? We've been talking about all these events and holiday parties and all the things. Uh, you don't have to accept every invitation that you receive, right? So even managing that and monitoring your activity level and how much you are doing right. Being careful not to over commit to things or overschedule yourself. I think that's also another really helpful way.
Caitlin Estes:
Give yourself space to breathe and to take time and to gather yourself for the next slew of events begins. Yeah, for sure. Mm-hmm.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
<affirmative>. Yeah.
Caitlin Estes:
I would imagine though that there are going to be sometimes and some events that you can't say no to or you don't want to say no to. Let me clarify that. You want to be there, but as you mentioned earlier, you can still feel really isolated in that. So if she's at a party, she's surrounded by people and suddenly she realizes they're all talking about their growing families and she just feels really isolated, she's there. Right? She, she's at that party, she's in it. What do you do with those emotions in the moment? What would you suggest to her as she's feeling all of those things?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
A helpful thing is before you go to think about that, right? So if I go, what will happen or what will I do if I become too overwhelmed? If it becomes too much, right? So having a plan for how you're going to care for yourself during. And so that might look like you being okay with leaving early, if that's what that means, right? Or going outside for some fresh air. Um, calling a friend who can, you know, talk you through, you know, some emotional things that you might be going through in that moment. Um, some helpful reminders that you may want to write down and bring with you to kind of work through doing some breath work to, you know, regulate your nervous system if you're, you know, feeling activated, things like that. So having a plan of care ahead of time is helpful. So in the moment when you are having a rough time, you're not having to think of solutions in a very difficult moment. It'll be very difficult to do that. So I would strongly recommend to plan ahead.
Caitlin Estes:
That makes a lot of sense. When you're feeling that way, you don't also need to be trying to figure out, how do I process through this? Yes,
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Exactly.
Caitlin Estes:
<laugh>, you, you want to already have a few tools that you know you can go to and that will help you in that moment. And, uh, several things that you mentioned, including kind of getting away, even if it's just for a moment, and it made me think almost every party's going to have a bathroom mm-hmm. <affirmative>, so you can always step away to the bathroom, you know, that's going to be a private space. So, um, that's really good advice. Yeah.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
I think the last thing, you know, we talked about it before, like making room and, you know, space for grief is acknowledging that even though it's the holidays and it's, you know, all of these great things and the best time of the year and all the things, right? You're, you're, you're still grieving, right? You're still going through the hardship of being on the fertility journey. And so acknowledging your grief and being kind to yourself, right? Neuroscience tells us that the body doesn't differentiate between physical pain and emotional pain. So just like you would take special care if you had a broken arm, right? Do the same. You're no less deserving of that extra tenderness and care now. So taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, acknowledging your grief, um, very important to also do that.
Caitlin Estes:
That's so well said. And what a reminder that we all need. That physical pain doesn't score any differently than emotional pain. And yet we often tell ourselves either directly or indirectly, oh, I just need to push through this. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, oh, I just need to keep going. Oh, this is nothing. This is, I'm weak for feeling this way, or I'm silly for feeling this way, or I'm, I'm over emotional for feeling this way. No, these are valid feelings. Grief is a very real thing. And even though we often think of grieving maybe a death or something like that, you can also grieve just a loss. And the loss of that Christmas with a child you thought you would have in your mind is valid.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Absolutely.
Caitlin Estes:
Yeah. I know you do a lot of counseling work with grief specifically, but of course you're located in Florida, which is great for all of our Florida listeners. Um, but if someone doesn't live in Florida, can you share more about your grief program specifically?
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Yeah, so I also do grief coaching. Um, I will be starting a small, uh, group coaching next year for, um, those who are grieving on the fertility journey. It will be three-month program, including grief, education and support. And you heard me talk a little bit about your science, and so like we'll be learning too about, um, what grieving does to the brain to help us really understand our grief experience and how to navigate that. They can go to, um, on Instagram at Kerri- Ann Brown coaching to find the sign up form for that.
Caitlin Estes:
Yeah, we will make sure to have both your grief program and counseling services linked in the show notes for our listeners convenience. And for those of you who are listening live, she's talking about after January, 2023. And for those who are listening, 2023 and on, it's probably already live. So you can go ahead and, and join then. But, um, Kerri-, and thank you so much for joining us today and sharing these great tips.
Kerri-Anne Brown:
Thank you. Thanks.
Caitlin Estes:
Listeners, I hope you feel seen this holiday season. I hope you know how loved and valuable your family is, whether it's you and your husband and you're desiring children, or your husband and a child, and you're desperately desiring more. There is hope and joy and love in this season for you. We're talking about those things over on our Instagram page. So if you're taking a break from Instagram, I couldn't support you or do what you need to do. If you're taking a break, you just email us. We'll still connect you with the resources and everything. But even if I want to remind you that you are not excluded from those gifts, suffering does not exclude you from joy and hope and love Jesus came for all, especially those who are suffering. So we'll keep talking more about this in the weeks to come, either here or over on Instagram, but I'm so glad that you are a part of our community. As always, thanks for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.