Ep. 12: Growing your family, Part 1

One of the unique aspects of my job is that I usually get to hear, before anyone else in a couple’s life, that they’re considering growing their family. (Which is just an honor - thank you, if you’ve ever shared that with me.) I’ve noticed that this possibility can fill them with joy and excitement and hope - or fear and nerves and uncertainty. For most, it’s a bit of a combination of both. And that’s okay! It can be a long journey from considering growing your family to actually doing so, and there is no right or wrong timeline or personal factors to consider. But we’re going to talk about some things to help you through that time - whether you’re considering growing your family now, or you anticipate that conversation coming up in the future. 

Let’s start with how you can grow your family. If you’d like to add children to your family, you can do that through biological conception and pregnancy or through adoption. We’ll talk more about the biological option today, since our work focuses on natural fertility care, and conception is a part of that field. But I want to mention adoption now, and talk about it in more detail next week. 

As you consider growing your family through adoption, you may want to explore the different avenues available to you. There is domestic adoption, international adoption, or adoption through the State foster care system. American domestic adoption is typically the adoption of an infant whose mother made a plan for her child’s life and, often, chose the family that will raise the child. In many cases, this type of adoption can allow the two families (biological and adoptive) to remain in contact or in relationship throughout the child’s life. 

International adoption is when a family applies to adopt from a specific country outside of the united states. The adoption is typically of a child older than an infant who may have some mild to severe special needs and has no family claiming them. Each country’s specifics are different. 

Adoption through the state focuses on adoption of a child who was in the state foster care system to be reunited with their biological family, but that is no longer an option for one reason or another. Each state is different in regards to this possibility. 

Adoption is a beautiful and complicated option, just as pregnancy is a beautiful and complicated option. I encourage you to listen to next week’s episode, and also let us know any questions you already have about adoption! 

But like I said, we’re going to spend just a bit more time today focusing in on the biological option in growing your family - conceiving and carrying a pregnancy! 

First of all, I think it can be a good reminder to recall how a pregnancy is conceived. Yes, yes, I know. But I mean more on a biological level. 

When sperm enter the woman’s reproductive track after ejaculation, they travel up through the vaginal canal, cervix, and uterus, making their way to the fallopian tubes. These tubes are where an ovulated egg travels to after ovulation, so - by hanging out in these tubes - the sperm ensure that they are there and waiting so that as soon as the egg ovulates, they can attempt to fertilize it. This doesn’t have to be refreshed daily or hourly. With good cervical mucus present, sperm can live many days waiting for this event. 

Once one sperm enters into an egg, fertilization occurs - all the other sperm are physically pushed away - the enzymes instantly change, and a new little life is created. 

From there, this little zygote travels through the fallopian tubes down into the uterus, where it attempts to implant and then produce the HCG hormone that gives a couple a positive pregnancy test. 

There’s a lot more going on that that, of course, and every single aspect of it really reveals how MIRACULOUS any one conception and implantation is. But knowing just the basics helps inform very practical aspects like when you time intercourse, how long you wait to take a pregnancy test, and more. 

Something I want to say that I always remind clients of is that there is no magic schedule or plan that couples can follow to achieve a pregnancy. You could find lots of suggestions on the internet, but trust me - that’s not where you want to get all your direction. Instead, use your cycle charting to identify those days of fertility so that you can make use of even one that cycle. 

If you’re not using an educational method like the Creighton model to chart your cycles and identify your window of fertility, then that would be my first suggestion! It takes all the guess work out of knowing when you’re fertile and when you should be trying to get pregnant. Yes, there are couples who tried to get pregnant for a year or more who simply didn’t know when they should be timing things! A system like Creighton takes that concern off the table. 

In fact, with Creighton specifically, a couple with normal fertility is 76% likely to achieve a pregnancy the very first cycle of trying to conceive. That’s huge! So it really is worth it, in my opinion.

But even with Creighton and timed intercourse, it really is normal for it to take up to 6 months to achieve a pregnancy. remember, there is SO MUCH needed biologically to make a pregnancy happen. It is a MIRACLE that it happens at all. And so it may take several months of trying before it happens - and that doesn’t say a thing about your fertility as a couple. 

The question that everyone goes to is - but what if we don’t conceive a pregnancy?  

This is where I would go back to making the most use of Creighton. Not only does Creighton allow you to accurately identify your window of fertility, it also allows you to identify reproductive health issues. So if you’re charting with Creighton before you start trying to achieve, it’s possible that you may address any hindrances or issues before you start trying to get pregnant! 

But it’s never too late to start that process of learning. You can begin using Creighton no matter how long you’ve been trying to conceive in order to identify those health issues and accurately identify that window. Just using Creighton has shown a 20% increase in conception. But using Creighton and working with one of our napro doctors to identify those root cause issues? That increases your chances of conception up to 80% that first year. Now we’ve talked about Napro before, and we’ll continue to talk about it, but if you’d like a little more information on what napro is, go back and listen to episode 2 of our basic series. 

But back to the question of what if we don’t conceive a pregnancy… 

Yes, this is a possibility for all couples. It’s healthy for us to remember that we do not control our fertility, and we cannot force the miracle of pregnancy. But that doesn’t mean that we need to worry from the outset that this will be our story. 

My personal encouragement would be to acknowledge that deep fear, share your heart with God, and release it into God’s goodness. God will provide you with the grace you need to walk the road before you, whatever that road is. But I would hate for the fear of the unknown to reign unchecked during this otherwise rich and spiritually fruitful season. 

The thing is, this is such a unique time in your marriage - both when you’re discerning and when you’re trying to achieve. 

When you’re discerning, it gives you a unique opportunity to talk and dream about your future life together, have important conversations about family dynamics and parenting, grow together as a couple and in unity, and practice patience and submission both to one another and to God — all while you discern faithfully if the Lord is leading you to grow your family now. 

While achieving, it is an incredibly unique time in your marriage in regards to physical intimacy. Most of your marriage, you will likely be avoiding pregnancy. That’s just how it works out for most couples. But when you’re open to achieving a pregnancy, you have so much freedom in physical intimacy at any point in your cycle and any point in your day. Don’t miss out on the most from this special time in your marriage! It’s also during this time that the fear of achieving a pregnancy is transformed into hope and anticipation. And that is a beautiful transition - fear to hope. 

Mmm. I don't’ want us to miss that. There is richness, and meaning, and goodness, and spiritual and marital growth in our openness to life. 

Even if the discernment leads to the fact that now is not the right time for you to grow your family, you’ve still walked through that journey and received that goodness and growth - if you’ve been open to it. Don’t miss out on it. It’s so easy to. 

Hey - Bringing a child into your family is a big deal - It’s okay to acknowledge what a big deal it is while in this discerning process or even after getting a positive pregnancy test - but also remember that we serve a God who’s really good at handling big deals. 

I hope that during this time of discernment you can grow together as a couple and together with God, in love and unity and peace, instead of fear and worry and control. 

Like I mentioned, next week we’ll talk more in depth about bringing a child into your family through adoption. This is a lovely, and God-honoring way to grow your family - but you likely have questions about it, just like you have questions about biological conception and pregnancy, so make sure to listen to next week’s episode! 

If you’d like to start using the Creighton system in order to achieve a pregnancy or identify health issues that may affect your fertility, I’d love to invite you to next month’s introductory session. This is an online, group setting that allows you to leave with a ton of information and sets you up for personal follow up sessions with myself. I’d absolutely love to help you grow your family, or walk you through the discernment of that time. 

Until then, thanks again for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.