Ep.7: 5 Conversations for Couples using NFP

Welcome back! It’s probably not surprising when \ thinking about all the episodes we’ve done so far that we have a lot of women that use the Creighton system specifically for the health benefits. We know the Creighton system allows you to monitor, maintain, and evaluate your own reproductive health. But for those clients in marital or “headed-toward-marriage” relationships, the ability to plan your family naturally is a huge benefit to using Creighton, as well. So, even if you’re not a Creighton system user yourself, you may follow a form of natural family planning. In either case, this episode is for you. Today we’re sharing 5 helpful conversations for couples who are naturally planning their families. These conversation starters are great whether you’re engaged and anticipating marriage or are in the midst of growing your family or are entering into perimenopause! These are not one and done conversations, but ones you can keep discussing throughout your years of fertility together. 

Here we go - 

First conversation starter: Why are we choosing to use a natural system? 

Every method - natural, chemical, hormonal, one with a device, implant, etc - has its pros and cons. And as you decide what route is best for your family, you consider those pros and cons and usually decide on the one that has the most or the most important pros. So what were those pros for you all? What brought you to this natural method? What’s kept you here? What are the reasons that, despite the particular cons of using a natural system, you chose it anyway? 

Maybe it’s the health benefits and having the physical and mental freedom available when not on hormonal contraception. Or the health insights of being able to see, on paper, what’s going on in your reproductive system and hormones. This kind of empowerment is a huge pro! 

Or maybe you’re using a natural system for moral or religious reasons. As you sought out how to plan your family, this is the method you had a peace about and felt was right for you and any children you may conceive. 

Or maybe it’s that a natural system acknowledges that a couple’s fertility depends on both partners to be involved and use well. I can speak for Creighton specifically, that it’s a shared system. 

Whatever your pros are, they outweighed the cons - so remembering why by talking about it together can be really helpful to you both as you continue to choose it month after month, and can help sustain you when you’re in a season of struggling with the cons. And may even help you realize when you’ve discovered another reason why you’re choosing it! 

Ok Conversation Starter #2: What do we envision our family looking like? 

Each partner coming into a marriage has expectations of what family will look like, so this is of course important for an engaged couple to discuss - and preferably not just in the days leading up to the wedding! But this conversation should continue, regularly, throughout marriage. What you envisioned when you got married may stay the same or it could change drastically. 

So here are some questions within this topic that may help you get started: Do we want children in our family? How many have we dreamed in our minds? Do we envision growing our family biologically or through adoption, or both? Are we done growing our family? 

Again, this topic is not just for young couples or engaged couples or newly married couples. This is for every single fertile couple. it’s important to keep checking in and also to give each other the freedom to share from the heart openly. You may assume you’re on the same page, when your spouse may be considering something new. That can be scary, certainly, whichever direction the change is in, but remember - you’re a team. And the best way to move forward, is to move forward together. That means being a safe place for sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns. 

Of course, what this looks like will be different for each couple. Maybe you check in at the start of each cycle to ensure you both know the intention for the cycle ahead. Maybe you plan a time for a casual date night where you evaluate where you are as a family and talk about the future as it regards your family make up, all while enjoying a delicious cheesecake. I’m just saying. You can make it fun. There’s not a right or wrong way to do it, what’s important is that you make the space to discern together. 

Which leads us to Conversation starter #3: In what ways could we better share the responsibility of family planning?

It’s so, so, so important that you are doing this together. If one person is all-in and the other is against it - it’s going to be just unnecessarily difficult. (And If you’re listening and you’re one of the all in ones that doesn’t know what to do about a spouse that has no interest at all - talk with your practitioner or instructor. We can help you find ways to talk about it together, and we can provide information that may address some of their fears and concerns that they may or may not have expressed to you.) 

Instead, for couples that are using a natural form of family planning, it’s so much easier to bear the weight of it together! Significantly easier! 

When a husband knows how to read the chart so that either of you can initiate intimacy - 

When you can both think through an observation together to give you confidence - 

When she doesn’t feel like the success of the system is based on her and her alone - there’s so much room for thriving, and (I think, personally) a higher rate of confidence and satisfaction. 

The reality is, the weight of family planning is too heavy for one person to bear alone. It really is. Think about it this way - Each partner is equally involved in conception, and so therefore can be equally involved in planning to avoid or achieve that conception. 

So, what does that look like? I think both partners having a solid understanding of how the system works is a great starting place. Invite your spouse to a follow up. Let them read the instruction manual. From there, it can look like a lot of different things. 

Maybe he charts your observations each night. 

Maybe you talk together about whether it’s a day of fertility so that you both feel you’re making a joint decision about how you use that day. 

Maybe it’s him identifying the window of fertility and you all not talking about it too much, if you’re trying to achieve a pregnancy but are feeling stressed about it not happening. It’s going to be different for each couple and in each situation, but What’s important is that you talk about it together and both feel heard and supported. If you’re not sure if you’re sharing the responsibility as you’d like, talk about it! 

Next, conversation starter #4: How do we best give/receive love outside of genital contact? 
What I mean by genital contact is any contact related to genitals. And that’s because, each cycle, a couple will have a window of fertility when genital contact may result in a pregnancy. So for couples avoiding pregnancy, that means they have roughly two options for that time period: 1. completely shut down and disconnect from each other, or 2. show affection and share intimacy together through other avenues. Obviously I’m putting in my vote for option #2! 

Our society gets so narrowly focused on sex that it can sometimes sneak up the ranks to become the number one - nix that - the only way to share love and intimacy. But we’re missing out on a lot of affection, closeness, intimacy, and love if we reduce it all down to that. 

What are your favorite ways to connect with your spouse? Think back to your days of dating or engagement - what did they do that gave you butterflies? What made you feel loved? What did you do for them to show them how much you cared? Did you write little notes? Bring them coffee unexpectedly? Stay up late helping them complete a project? Cook a new recipe together? Have a game night with your friends? 

There are so many ways to do this! How much richer would our intimacy as couples be, if we prioritized these shows of affection and love each month? 

And this applies, by the way, to couples seeking to avoid pregnancy OR achieve pregnancy. While you may not be avoiding genital contact during this time, if you’re trying to achieve a pregnancy, it can be equally tempting to make that contact all important and forget about the importance of affection and intimacy itself. Especially if a couple hasn’t conceived as quickly as they’d hoped - it can be tempting to hyper focus on timing and numbers and all sorts of things, and miss out on the closeness. 

Talk with your spouse about how you show and receive love so that you can practice and prioritize it together.

And finally - conversation starter #5 - How are we inviting God into our fertility? And, How is God inviting us toward God’s self through this season in our fertility?

I’ve said it before and I”ll say it again - God is present in your fertility journey. We call it a journey for a reason — no matter your intention, it’s gonna be full of ups and downs and twists and turns. There are seasons that feel scary and uncertain. 

But It’s amazing how often something like our fertility can be used to draw us to a greater sense of trust in God’s goodness and provision. Because God will not abandon you in the midst of all those ups and downs and twists and turns.

God may even be inviting you, through it, into a specific season, or to a specific decision, or to a new place of rest or trust or hope or surrender. And the easiest way to miss out on that invitation is to not be on the lookout for it.  

Together, invite God into your marriage, and your fertility, and your family. Now, It can be awkward to pray together, I’ll admit that - but you’ll giggle and feel uncomfortable, and eventually it’ll be a sweet and meaningful and bonding experience. God isn’t looking for fancy words. And you know your spouse isn’t. I think God wants to be welcomed in, in whatever way you can. 

So there we have it, 5 conversation starters for couples using natural family planning: 

Why are we choosing to use a natural system? 

What do we envision our family looking like?

In what ways could we better share the responsibility of family planning?

How do we best give/receive love outside of genital contact?

How are we inviting God into our fertility? How is God inviting us toward God’s self through this season in our fertility?

These conversations starters aren’t an exhaustive list, of course. Maybe other thoughts or questions came to your mind as you listened. Write them down and tell your spouse you’d like to plan a date night to discuss, or just talk about it in the car on the way to Target! (Unless driving to Target is your date night, and then - hey-  you’re winning either way) 

It can be weird to bring up the first time, but try not to worry too much about that - saying something like “You know how we’re using this _______________ system? I’ve been thinking about how we’re using it and what I hope to get from it over the years” can be enough to get it started. There’s no right or wrong way, so explore what’s best for you and your spouse and your particular communication styles. 

Of course, these apply to any form of natural family planning. You’re likely already using one, but you may also be hoping to use one and are listening in preparation - If that's the case, I’d love to invite you to learn more about one particular way to plan your family and that’s through the use of the Creighton system. Creighton allows you to plan your family, but it’s also more than that -  it’s also an effective way to monitor, maintain, and evaluate your reproductive health. It’s also a shared system that respects the dignity of women and of marriage. We talk about it during every introductory session, and it comes up frequently in individual follow ups. If you’d like to hear more, I’d love for you to join our next Introductory Session by registering at wovenfertility.com/join-us. Or you can email me personally at caitlin@wovenfertility.com 

Thanks so much for listening in today, as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.