Ep. 82: Living with Regret

Ep. 82: Living with Regret

Welcome back to the Woven Well podcast!

It’s been a busy time here, as I just got back from the AAFCP conference and completing my summer meet ups with clients in some of the more western states. It’s been incredibly fun to meet face to face with clients I’ve worked with for years and those I’m just getting to know. It really is a delight for me.

Meeting face to face really made me think about the trust that you all place in me, and how much - how incredibly much - that means to me. I realize that, when you start working with me, you’re working with somewhat of a stranger. You may listen to the podcast and be used to my voice, but it’s totally different to share your medical background, your family planning goals, your intimacy with your spouse… This is personal stuff. And I want you to know that I don’t take it lightly. I’m honored that you would share it with me.

One of the things that I’ve heard over the years is that, while this work to learn your body and your fertility is empowering and wonderful (this is what we talk about almost every week on the podcast), it can also stir up some regret over all the years without this information. Those who walked through years of artificial reproductive technology treatments without ever understanding what their body was doing or how they felt about the procedures being done. Those who were told it was normal to have debilitating period pain, or that birth control was simply their only option. Years of trusting what you were told - information that should be trustworthy! - only to find out that there is not one magic pill to solve every problem.

It can be difficult to look back and wonder what could have been if someone had pointed you in a different direction and offered you an alternative solution. Not only was that experience that you walked through painful, but the regret you feel now over it can be painful, too!

This isn’t the only type of regret that comes up, though. Like I mentioned, we’re talking about some personal stuff. Conversations about sex bring up all kinds of things. And they’re not always pleasant. Some women are dealing with pain from past decisions or trauma from those who hurt them, and they’re struggling with self-worth or their sexual intimacy. Some are facing for the first time the fact that their looking for answers in multiple sexual partners or pornography use.

These aren’t things we talk about openly, as much as we should, in the Christian world. We’re ashamed that we struggle, and so we hide it. We pretend it’s not there.

I hope and pray that God would make me into the person I need to be to be a safe place for you to show your struggle. Because the reality is, we all have struggles. Every single one of us. If you listen to any client story on this show, you’ll hear me talk about how isolating these topics make us feel - but you are not alone! Trying to hold it all in, and on your own, is impossible.

Sometimes the regret is not so much about sexual acts or struggles or anything like that, but about growing up thinking that any sexuality is a bad thing. These ladies *wish* they’d known that they were designed AS sexual beings, and that this was fully pleasing to God. That their sexuality is a part of God’s design, and a good part.

So many women were brought up to feel only shame when it came to this part of their humanity. They were taught that it was dirty or wrong or sinful. They needed to suppress it and keep silent about it - until, of course they were married - then it it’s all fine. Goodness! Deep, deep regret on what was lost there.

In each of these situations, and in many more, we see the loss of something Very Good - and we regret it.

….

Sometimes we knew it was very good when it was lost to us. Sometimes it’s only now that we start to see that what we thought was silly or scary or just inconsequential was actually meaningful.

For those in the second category - who felt, before, that it didn’t matter for whatever reason, but see now that it did - and does: I want us to see the beauty of THAT vision. To have eyes that SEE the goodness, the beauty, the truth when they couldn’t before. Something has happened to make that transformation happen. And, as much as I WISH that it were simply working with Woven :) I think we can agree that it’s actually the faithfulness of God.

The term “regret” means sorrow over something that cannot be changed.

Not one of us can go back in time and change what was. Not one of us can take away the pain that was caused by our circumstances or by others or by our own decisions. But we can hold on TIGHT to the One who’s pointing us in a new direction.

God is actively revealing goodness, beauty, and truth - to you and to the world.

Things that others discard are treasured by our Creator. And we’re beginning to treasure them, too.

Whether it’s embracing the family size God has for you in this season,

or submitting any good sexual desires that may have been twisted,  

or living into the fullness of who God created you to be:

They all require trusting that God is good and working for our good, as well.

This is a holy transformation.

We’ll all feel regret - that our intimacy isn’t what we planned, or our family isn’t what we envisioned, or our fertility isn’t what we assumed - but regret is not the end of our story.

God provides us with radical HOPE. None of us are excluded by our pain. There is forgiveness for sin and redemption for suffering. I’m close to preaching, but I won’t!

God is not done with you. It’s so easy to get stuck there in the regret. To feel so weighted down that it feels pointless to look ahead. But God is at work in your life. God is doing something GOOD and meaningful in your life - right now.

When we know that God is working for our good, we can look ahead with eagerness. We can trust God to write the next chapter of our story. We can be open to WHATEVER THAT MAY LOOK LIKE, because we know that with God, it will be good. God is not leaving you in the regret!

And, you know what? As you move forward, you can bring others along with you.

I promise you, there are women - women in your life - stuck in the suffering you were in.

The difference is, they have you!

And because of the good that God has done in your life - because God has given you eyes to see the beauty of your body and sexuality and family and forgiveness and redemption and hope, you can be a part of pointing them in a different direction, too.

You can be ready with courage and charity to love them well and point them to something good, true, and beautiful.

That may be through just talking about your story--sharing your involvement with Creighton or restorative reproductive healthcare. I remember when I first started learning how to chart my cycles with Creighton, I was telling every girl friend I had. I was just so fascinated and found it so helpful.

Maybe it’s through inviting them to join you - sharing resources and encouragement as they seek solutions to painful periods or irregular cycles.

Just be open to whatever opportunity God may provide! It may not look like one particular thing but if you’re open to God’s prompting, you’ll know.

Thank you for listening today, and for sharing with me all the things that God is stirring in your hearts as you do this good, hard work of learning to love, respect, and understand your body.

At Woven, we provide education and community to empower women to understand their fertility in order to make truly informed decisions, while honoring their faith in the process. We ask hard questions of our fertility, and our faith. We work together to share the dignity of every human being, and we have a pretty good time doing it. If you’d like to get more connected with all that we do, join our monthly newsletter: you can sign up at our website wovenfertility.com or at the link in the show notes.

Thanks so much for listening, as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.