Ep. 80: Intimacy with NFP (Natural Family Planning)

Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast - 

First things first - y’all. We have reached a major milestone together. We’ve had 10,000 downloads of the Woven Well Podcast! 

I am so humbled that so many people would listen to our show - and not just once, but again and again. It means so much to me that Woven Well can be a trusted resource for women as they navigate their fertility journeys with faith and fortitude. 

Our goal is to provide you with accurate, understandable, and faithful information about reproductive health and fertility in short-format episodes that you can actually complete while running an errand or washing the dishes or driving home from work. Thank you so much for listening, and sharing with your friends, and proving that these episodes meet a need for holistic and faithful conversations about women’s health and fertility. 

If all you know about us is our podcast, then I’m happy to share that Woven Well is just one part of the work done by Woven Natural Fertility Care. We provide other free resources on our website, wovenfertility.com, and one-on-one education and workshops for women in all reproductive stages. We’re constantly on the move, and the best way to see what we’re up to is to sign up for our monthly newsletter that holds everything in one place. I’d love to welcome you to all we have to offer at Woven - and you can find the link for that in the show notes or on our website. 

Thanks for letting me gush and say thanks for a minute, but now it’s time to get to today’s episode — Intimacy with NFP, or natural family planning. 

There can sometimes be a misconception out there that sexual intimacy for couples using a natural form of family planning is stunted or restricted or less than ideal in some way. 

But that doesn’t have to be the case. 

I think this misconception about NFP stems from the cultural message we inadvertently hear all the time: that if you can’t have sex anywhere, with anyone, at any time, in any way, that you’re somehow being inhibited or oppressed. You’re not expressing your full sexuality. And that sex and sexuality is only good, when it’s without any boundaries or limitations. 

I wonder if we really believe this to be true, though? 

For many of us in marriages, we would probably disagree with this. Some boundaries are nice, some boundaries are necessities. For instance, you agree that when you marry, you will be restricting your sexual partners to the person you’re joining your life to. That IS a boundary; that’s a limitation. But it’s not oppressive control - that’s a choice made of love. 

And when a woman has just given birth to a baby, she’s physically unable to share in certain forms of physical intimacy for quite some time. Is her husband being unfairly inhibited when he chooses to wait until she’s able and comfortable to be together before doing so? Again, this is a choice of love. 

“Yes” is not the only authentic, free, loving answer when it comes to sex and physical intimacy. “No” can be equally as meaningful and loving. These examples are great pictures of that. 

When you choose to use a natural system of family planning, you’re agreeing from the start, that there will be days of saying “no” out of love for one another. 

This is an agreement going in. There will be days when the two of you, together, may conceive a baby. And if that timing wouldn’t be right, or health won’t allow it, then those will be days when you say no to sex, and yes to loving your spouse regardless. 

In that way, some would say that using a natural form of family planning gives you the most freedom to make those informed decisions! Being on birth control or having an IUD takes some of that freedom and decision making out of your hands. But with a natural system, you have the total freedom to decide each season, each month, and each day what your pregnancy intention is. 

THAT kind of flexibility is really wonderful. Because whether you think you’d like to have a baby soon, or you’re convinced your family is complete, you never know what the next year will bring. And having that flexibility is a gift. 

But, of course, I want to be honest about how challenging this can still be. I’m not saying that it’s not without any difficulties. It can be difficult for a married couple to have the time and the space to be intimate, but make the decision not to because of possible pregnancy. But remember, that that choice is always yours. 

Sometimes I’ll have couples who come in pretty set that they’re going to avoid pregnancy for the next three years. Great! I’m happy to help. I teach them how to identify their specific window of fertility and times of infertility. I get them to a point where they are confident and comfortable with knowing which days may lead to conception and which won’t. But, 10 months down the line, I start seeing those days of fertility being used here and there. What’s behind this? Have they suddenly forgotten how to use the Creighton system? Nope. They are REALLY using the Creighton system - having conversations about their fertility, their intimacy, and their family size. For the first time, they’re ABLE to talk about these things in a very practical, real, and open way. They don’t have to make decisions in 1-3 year chunks, but can open to the leading of the Spirit at any time. 

You always have a choice. And with a natural system, you’re able to make that choice with a full understanding of what’s involved. Sex is unitive, holy, enjoyable, and - procreative. It carries with it the potential for life. You’re choosing to embrace and respect that - and it opens up a whole new world. You get to make that decision together each and every month. 

But how do you make the decision? 

It’s different for each couple. Like I mentioned, it’s not a decision that you make once and are done with. You are invited to make this decision each month - even each day within that month. A couple may decide they want to avoid pregnancy that month, but when it comes down to the start of their window of fertility, they choose to be together anyway. That is not a bad or wrong decision! There is no wrong time to be with your spouse. But the key is that you’re informed and you’re a partnership. These are decisions made TOGETHER — which means that conversations about fertility and intimacy and family come up a lot more often than they would otherwise, leaving you more open to God’s invitations for closeness and unity — and children, as well. 

Does this take something away from your intimacy? From your freedom? 

Let’s think about that. 

A couple knows, from the start, that every month there will be a joint window of fertility. That if they enjoy genital contact together during that time, they may conceive a baby. They accept this fact for what it is — a fact — and they work together to make wise decisions for their marriage and family. Instead of lessening your intimacy, is it possible that it could increase it? 

That saying that you all love one another — every part of each other — even the fertility part — could make you feel even MORE loved and valued by your spouse? That you are not loved for what you can offer your spouse, but for who you are as a total person: mind, body, and soul? It means something. It’s a very real expression of the love your spouse has for ALL of you, and a reminder that your fertility is an intentional part of how God designed you. It is not a flaw, but a part of who you are. 

And for intimacy - is it possible that the conversations that happen each month about when to be together and how you envision your family - is it possible that those could INCREASE the intimacy experienced between couples? That those open conversations about hopes and dreams and fears and worries could bring a couple CLOSER together than if they didn’t have to worry about them? 

….

It’s not always easy, but it can always be good. 

Choosing to love ALL of your spouse will always be worth it. 

Plus, we’re not looking for just easy, are we? There are a lot of options in life that are easier, but far from better. You may not be choosing the EASIEST option, but you are choosing one that is honoring of the unitive, healthy, faithful, loving aspects of this type of intimacy. 

And so, because of that, there will be times when you choose “no” to genital contact. 

But that doesn’t mean you have to say “no” to sexual contact. 

Okay Caitlin, this is where you’ve lost me. And, I know. I get it. It’s pretty confusing when those two terms are interchangeable out in the world. But in this little corner of the podcast world — and for all Creighton system users — let’s separate them a bit. 

It’s possible to have sex and genital contact without sharing love and affection and intimacy (let’s call this sexual contact). 

It’s also possible to share love and affection and intimacy (sexual contact) without having any type of genital contact. 

When you and your spouse make the decision to abstain from genital contact for a time, it does NOT mean that you have to abstain from sharing love, affection, and intimacy.  

Think about that time you spent together getting to know one another — dating — flirting — sharing your selves with one another and growing in closeness and love. Think about all the ways you felt known, seen, loved, valued before sex entered the picture. These don’t disappear after marriage. They are just as meaningful 6 months into marriage and 6 years into marriage and 60 years into marriage! 

Intentionally prioritizing these other ways of expressing love to your spouse during your joint window of fertility can make all the difference in the world. 

You’re not disconnecting during your window of fertility — you’re connecting in OTHER meaningful ways. 

You talk about what makes you feel loved. You write a note to your spouse or pour their coffee in the morning. You plan a date night or cook a special meal together. You go to the park or an ice cream spot. You read a book together or watch a movie you’ve both wanted to see. You keep communication as open as it can be and choose to show your spouse love. Show them that you choose them - even now, even while you’re fertile, even when it’s not easy. All the while, keeping in mind that this window of abstinence is short. It is always temporary, and will come to an end. Something you can look forward to together with anticipation.

Intimacy while using NFP can be really, really good. And sometimes it can be challenging, and good. And sometimes easy and good! But, either way, the couples who use it say that it’s worth it. 

In fact, we have several episodes from the last year where couples using Creighton have shared their story and what Creighton has meant to them. I’ll link a few of those in the show notes so that you can hear their journey — what it’s been like, and why they continue to use Creighton for their marriage. 

Thank you for listening today. At Woven Well, we do our best to cover these practical and relevant topics, while incorporating our faith in the process. If you’ve enjoyed today’s episode, I invite you to follow our podcast so that you can listen to our new episode each Friday. If you’re already a follower, then I hope you’ll leave a podcast review so that others can find us, as well! 

As always, thanks for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.