Ep. 70: Self Compassion, with Kristina Tucker, LPC
Caitlin Estes:
Welcome to the Woven Well Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started.
Caitlin Estes:
Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast. In the world of fertility, there can be a lot of really good things that require balance, advocating for ourselves while not getting sucked into striving, avoiding pregnancy, while acknowledging that we are still open to life when we choose to be intimate with our spouse trying to conceive while wrestling with the reality that we don't have ultimate control over that possibility or timeline. And because fertility is such a precious part of our personhood, one that's perhaps an especially vulnerable area of our lives, some of us can tend to be pretty hard on ourselves when the balancing isn't going so well. Here's the thing. We're all figuring out this balancing act. We're all on the journey to embrace the good and the bad, the push and the pull. And instead of beating ourselves up for figuring things out, we may want to consider practicing self-compassion. That's where today's guest comes in. Kristina Tucker is a counselor as well as a trauma conscious yoga instructor who specializes in maternal mental health and trauma. She also likes to explore the intersections of faith, trauma, and embodiment through writing and art, all of which are right up our alley at woven well. And I've invited Kristina to talk with us about self-compassion today, and I know you all will really enjoy what she has to share. So Kristina, thanks so much for being on with us today.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Yes, thanks, Caitlin. I'm so glad to be here.
Caitlin Estes:
I'm so glad too. And as we get started, would you mind telling us just a little bit more about the work that you do? I have a feeling that the description perked up the ears of a few of our listeners.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Yes, of course, of course. So, right. Like you said, I'm a counselor specializing in maternal mental health and trauma. So most of the women that I work with are anywhere on the spectrum from infertility, trying to conceive to maybe their pregnant and pregnancy has been really hard to postpartum adjustment. Definitely some, some loss and trauma, things like that. Postpartum mood disorders, and then parenting. So really anywhere in the spectrum, that we have as, as women, that we so often face. So that's the counseling end of things, which tends to be pretty heavy. And so I've found through, just my own wellness kind of journey that I've incorporated, like yoga came first that I started,playing around some yoga and really it was a personal practice first. I've done yoga for now, I don't know, 15 years. So started for personal practice and then I just saw and felt so much connection, realizing how it benefits our bodies, and helps us through those really challenging times in life.
Caitlin Estes:
Absolutely. That is so great. And I imagine that, as you mentioned, self-compassion comes up a lot in your work. So why don't you go ahead and share about what self-compassion is and how it can relate to fertility.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Absolutely. My favorite way to think about self-compassion is thinking about how we treat ourselves. So am I treating myself like a friend?at the end of the day, that is self-compassion. If I am giving myself the same kindness that I would give one of my closest friends. so when we have a difficult time or we fail or something goes sideways or whatever in life, it's am I approaching myself in that moment with maybe criticism or judgment or berating that would not be self-compassion, but it's so often our default. Right? And so self-compassion would be instead saying to myself, Ooh, this is hard. And, and what do I need? How can I help myself? What is it that I can offer myself in this moment to help make it a little bit easier? How can I care for myself in this moment? That is so often self-compassion.
Caitlin Estes:
I love that, by the way, because we think about when a friend is going through a hard time, our mind is just going with what can I do for her? How can I care for her? What would mean the most to her right now? But you're right. When we're walking through that ourselves, we're not taking that space that we need to say, what would make this just a little bit better? So that's a good word.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
And then I also think like thinking of us as women and kind of being in, whether it's with fertility or trying to conceive or maybe preventing pregnancy or whatever, you know, when we think about our bodies, we're just so multifaceted. We have, yes, it, it is our physical body, but our emotions and what we're carrying, the stress that we're under impacts how our body systems are working, the physical body systems are working. And of course,I think our, our spirituality is a huge part of that too. And so then when I think about self-compassion for, for us as women, it really, when we can be compassionate and kind with ourselves, everything works better. body, mind, soul, spirit, all of it, is going to work better. And, work, all those systems work with each other, more well versus, when we are in trauma or in stress, so often there's fragmentation. There's kind of this breakdown in our body systems, and they don't work as well. So self-compassion helps all of that. I mean, it's a key component to helping all of that work together. Well,
Caitlin Estes:
Yeah. And you just spoke to the soul as well, and it made me think about how God is continuously compassionate with us. we can always continue to go to God over and over again, and we'll always receive that compassion and forgiveness. And so practicing that with ourselves is a good reminder that there is no reason to withhold it, no matter the situation.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
That's so good. Yes. I'm just remembering right. I, yes. If we can remember and even do sometimes the spiritual work of kind of knowing that God is compassionate and he's gentle and lowly and that he approaches, with that, you know, with the tenderness, with the questions, with the softness, if we can know those, parts of God's character,how that then helps us, treat ourselves with that same kindness and tenderness and gentleness
Caitlin Estes:
For sure. Can you give us some examples of how to practice this in our lives? Like what are some real world scenarios where we can practice self-compassion in them?
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Absolutely. So one of my biggest, especially with clients is thinking about setting realistic expectations. So often we are wearing so many hats, from maybe working, maybe housework, maybe friendships, maybe partners, maybe, you know, it just goes, the list goes on and on and on as far as all the things, that we are carrying. And so setting realistic expectations is a really big,way to practice self-compassion of not keeping on, okay, I'm going to take this list of 20 things and do it today. Maybe you make your list of 20 things, but then look at the list and pick out, let me pick out three to five that are the most important today. Yeah. And if I get those done, then you can add on a couple more. But kind of setting realistic expectations can be, can be a really great start. And really a practical easy way of, you know, like we go back to that friend question of if a friend was saying, I'm going to do this, this, this, this, this. Hey friend, why don't you, what's most important on that list? Yes. Right. It's going back to that question for sure.
Caitlin Estes:
Yep. Yes.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
We kind of talked about it, but being kind with myself when the unexpected things happen, So something goes sideways, I know in my life it's often, you know, a kid forgets a snack for school or forgets who knows what, or we don't have socks for the soccer game, or who knows. And so instead of sitting there beating myself up for missing one more thing or forgetting whatever on the calendar, just saying, no, this is hard. I'm juggling a lot of pieces, and we're going to be okay. And then maybe jumping to a, a problem solving kind of something in that moment if I need to. but instead of yes, it's so quick that we're just critical with ourselves often. When that inner critic speaks, one of my favorite things with self-compassion is to kind of talk back to those voices sometimes
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
And not in a like judgy way, right. If we're judging and mean to those inner voices, like we're just keeping on more ick where if we can instead say, well thank you inner critic for trying to help, but that's actually not helpful right now. What is helpful is, and so you can do that with inner critic, you can do that with that anxious voice or intrusive thoughts or anxious thoughts, but kind of, because all of those things, they're trying to likely keep us safe, keep us in relationship. It's those, those things are doing what they think, we need. Those defense mechanisms are, are created early and so, but if we can talk back and hold them with compassion and say, thank you for trying to help, but then oftentimes those voices get a little more quiet and we get a little bit further, and just move through the hard stuff a little bit more easily.
Caitlin Estes:
Wow. That is such a good point that those voices are ultimately trying to help us. It's not necessarily that they always do, but we can make space for them. And at the same time, we don't have to be controlled by those thoughts that go through our head. We can let them come here they are, we can see them there and then kind of let them keep going. Right. That is a really helpful perspective on those. We're not making those out to be evil in and of themselves.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Yeah. I think of that as like the practical way of the verse. Take your thoughts captive, right? I think of this like, that's our practical, this is a practical way to do that is to, to identify that thought, to identify whatever it is, but to take it captive and say like, right. You don't have control here. And also think for trying to help, but yeah.
Caitlin Estes:
Yeah, really good point.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
When we think about practicing self-compassion in our daily life, something else I had thought of, was when we think about specifically with fertility, or trying to conceive that there, there can be so many speed bumps and it's just often such a hard, hard, hard road. and so I think too, what I notice, especially with clients is, they tend to sometimes be in this disconnect with our bodies or frustration with our bodies or hatred towards our bodies. And, and that happens too, I would say like pregnancy, nursing, all the, everything through the kind of, all those experiences with our bodies. And then we think about just the larger picture of culture and body image and all the things, right? Yeah. So we have a pretty complicated, no matter our story, likely a pretty complicated relationship with our bodies.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
. . And so thinking of self-compassion with our bodies, I often think about just getting in touch with our bodies and saying kind things to our bodies, of, you're doing the best you can and this is hard. Or what, what could I do to help my body right now? And it might be I need to go drink some water, or it might be I need to go sit in the sun and feel the sun on my skin. Yes. Or it might be I need to go take a walk and just be gentle and walk. It might be I need to get on my yoga mat and stretch. but so kind of thinking about it that way of especially when we're noticing some of those kind of harsh thoughts towards our bodies to instead be like, no, no, no, this is hard and what does my body need? What would help right now? And kind of creating some kind of love back and forth between those body systems that we're talking about of, of physical body and emotions and thoughts and spirituality and kind of helping all that work together a little bit, a little bit more.
Caitlin Estes:
Absolutely. And you mentioned culture in there, and I do think that we're sort of expected to, make our body do what we want it to do in the moment. And when it doesn't do that, we feel a little bit betrayed or confused. And you are absolutely right about feeling this separation between us, what I'm using quotations, us and our bodies, but we are a one mind, body spirit all together. So I completely agree with you in finding those ways to lovingly connect with our body, appreciate all the amazing things that it is doing for us every day. You said speaking kind words over your body. It makes me think about, we have a prayer guide for the female body about praying over different areas and praying through different times of the cycle, because God is so present within our bodies and within each phase of the cycle and each pregnancy intention, no matter what it would be. So that is a beautiful example there that you shared. And those are all really great. And it makes me wonder, would it be appropriate to even practice one of these together now? Like should we do that as a practice?
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
I love that idea. Yes. Let's do it. Let's do it.
Caitlin Estes:
Okay. Lead on.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Okay. So yes, so let's settle in here. Maybe take a deep breath, kind of just settle into your body wherever you are today, whatever you're going through. And now take a moment to think of a circumstance or an area where you're struggling. Just think about the different facets of that. Maybe who's involved, maybe your emotions connected to that. And now imagine if a friend were in this situation, what sentence would you tell your friend to encourage them today? I've talked a lot about that idea of this is hard. What do you need right now? Another one could be you're walking through this challenge with such grace and honesty, or it might be something else. Just what would you tell your friend to encourage them? All right. And now take a deep inhale and a deep exhale. And maybe if it feels okay and supportive, you could try placing one hand on your heart and gently saying those words that you would say to a friend to yourself. Let's take another second just to breathe deeply. Again, another inhale and another exhale. And again, maybe repeating that sentence and that my friends, is a little self-compassion break that you can practice for yourself anytime.
Caitlin Estes:
Yes. Anytime someone needs those words. You can go right back to this episode, find the exact spot, maybe I'll put it in the show notes, and be able to walk through that. That is so good, Kristina, thank you so much for that and for your time and for your guidance today. This is such an important reminder and I know that it is going to make a difference, in the lives, in the minds of all those who listen. And, if we have listeners who would like to learn more, what would you suggest?
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Yes. So Aundi Kolber is an author and she is one of my favorites on self-compassion and teaches so wonderfully on, biblical self-compassion. So weaving in, God's teachings and,stories from scripture. She's also a counselor, so she'll share little snippets of, just real world examples and how to apply self-compassion, or she calls it resourcing often. She's got two books. and they are wonderful. Try Softer is her first one, and then Strong like Water is her second one. So she's a wonderful resource. And then I do have my Instagram that I try to share lots of little tips and tricks and just practical ways of how we can practice some of these, some of these tools like self-compassion.
Caitlin Estes:
That's great. And I will make sure to have both of those resources in our show notes. Kristina, thank you so much for being on today. I really appreciate it.
Kristina Tucker, LPC:
Yes. Thanks, Caitlin. This has been great.
Caitlin Estes:
Listeners, I hope this episode has been helpful as you navigate your own fertility journey, whatever that may look like at Woven. Well, we seek to provide education and a sense of community that empowers women to make informed fertility decisions while honoring the deep connection between fertility and faith. So if you'd like to stay up to date with all that we do, I invite you to join our email list@wovenfertility.com. We promise we do not overuse it . but it's a great place to see all of our offerings and to gain more guidance on possible next steps for you. So there will also be a link in the show notes there. As always, thanks so much for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.