Ep. 101: Medical Trauma in Fertility
Caitlin:
Welcome to the Woven Well Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master of divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started.
Caitlin:
Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast. I am so pumped about today's episode because we're talking about a truly important thing that often gets swept under the rug. There are aspects of a challenging fertility journey that are traumatic, and this trauma can seep into our lives and our hearts and even the next steps in our fertility journeys, and we don't know what to do with it, if we even realize that it's there. So to help us with that, I've invited therapist Rebecca Henderson to share with us today. I have an incredible amount of respect for Rebecca. She knows how to meet women in the depths of their pain and in the darkest moments of their lives and help them feel seen and safe. She and I partnered on a workshop last year called Mental Health on the Fertility Journey, which will be linked in the show notes, if you're interested. So I'm so excited for her to get to share with you. Rebecca, welcome to the show.
Rebecca Henderson:
Thank you so much for having me, Caitlin. I'm really excited about this topic.
Caitlin:
I am too, because it is so critical. You've been a mental health professional and have been for years. Some may be surprised that the topic of fertility would even come up with clients. Why would fertility come up so much?
Rebecca Henderson:
Yeah, I think that's a great question, Caitlin, because I do think it can get overlooked a lot of times with mental health. We think it's just the mental component or just the emotional component. But when I work with clients, I recognize that so many things influence each other and can influence mental health. And so even when I'm doing an assessment of a client's history, I'll take things into account like their own parents' fertility because we know people who have fertility struggles. Maybe they had a stillbirth before my client was born, or they had a, their parents had a traumatic birth with them in a NICU stay. And we can see how that maybe even impacted their early childhood. So I take that into account as well as their own fertility journey because that in and of itself can be traumatic, depending on what they've experienced and also the response to what they've experienced.
Rebecca Henderson:
And I think another component of considering fertility with clients is if there's a potential hormone imbalance or there may be issues with that of getting that taken care of because our physical health and our mental health can be so interconnected. And so that's some things that I sometimes will recommend. And then alongside that, referring to providers and providing other options because as a therapist, I believe it's really important for every person I work with to know that they have options in the first place and to be empowered in the choices that they make instead of me telling them the choices they should or should not make.
Caitlin:
Listen, I love that. I love both of those things. One because it can be influential in their lives without even realizing it. I love that you look at the family dynamic, what happened in their childhood, and how their, even their parents' fertility can play a role in their own journey. And then absolutely. You know, I agree those hormonal imbalances have a huge impact on our mental and emotional health as well. Now when I think about the trauma of fertility, many times I think women either don't feel the permission to feel that some aspect of their journey has been traumatic or they may be too present in the trauma to be able to see and process it without some sort of support. So I would love for you to share some examples of how different areas of fertility may be causing trauma.
Rebecca Henderson:
Yeah. And, Caitlin, I think a really important thing to do first it is just to give a very brief definition. I mean, we could spend a long time just defining trauma, but as we're talking about it, just to give some context as I'm using that word. So trauma can be thought of as those big events that we typically consider. So abuse, neglect, sexual assault, natural disaster, et cetera. That's kind of what we call that big-T trauma. But it can also be those events that have been extremely distressing for an individual that have overwhelmed their ability to cope, but that others may not necessarily or traditionally call distressing or traumatic. That's what we call those little-t traumas. For example, someone who's suddenly lost a pet, right? For one person, that may be something that's not as traumatic. They have resources, they have a great support system, but for another person that can feel very traumatic because maybe it was very sudden, maybe that was a huge support for them.
Rebecca Henderson:
And so we have to recognize that trauma can be very subjective. What one person's traumatic event is another person's may just be a difficult challenge in their life. So I think it's important to recognize how that can be subjective. But we also can see the response after that event may make something traumatic versus just challenging. So we also look how was that responded to, to in their community Mm-Hmm. How has that responded to internally for them? What were the other messages going on? And that can be what changes resiliency or what we call post-traumatic growth or post-traumatic stress. That difficulty that keeps ongoing after that event. So just thinking of trauma as something really overwhelming or distressing that may have that long-term impact on their mind, body and emotions.
Caitlin:
Wow. The thought that the response of the community or your family or fill in the blank, the response that others have to your hardship could be what makes it a trauma versus a challenging event is so, I mean that is really impacting me in this moment because I'm just thinking about how many women are disregarded or unheard or silenced.
Rebecca Henderson:
Yeah. The kind of metaphor I use is that distressing event can be a really deep wound and someone can come alongside and kind of create the conditions for that wound to heal, putting the antiseptic on it, putting the bandage on it. But then someone can come in and also add that shame and guilt, which really infects that wound. And the event may be traumatic in and of itself, the response may also be traumatic or lead to that event being traumatic. So that's something we definitely consider. And I know it's a huge part in a person's fertility journey that can cause that trauma or add to the trauma itself. And so kind of thinking of different components of the fertility journey, that can be traumatic thinking about one, it can be traumatic in and of itself. It also can bring up trauma from your past.
Rebecca Henderson:
So someone walking through fertility struggles, for example, they may experience trauma due to feeling powerless. So maybe they're dismissed by healthcare professionals. They question their bodies that can cause strain in relationship, change in experiences around sex, and so much more. But on top of this, they can feel disconnected from their community, dismissed by loved ones, those unhelpful phrases. And it can also bring up experiences like that from their childhood, right? Maybe they experience a lot of dismissal around some abuse or neglect that they experience. And this brings that back up for them as well. So I kind of talk about the fertility journey can be both traumatizing and can also be re-traumatizing for people. So thinking about some examples of the fertility journey being traumatizing, I think one that easily comes to mind is someone who's lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth.
Rebecca Henderson:
We see how that can be so difficult. You are losing something, you had so much hope. We talk about it as a perspective grief. It's the loss itself of losing the child and then losing all of those things that you looked forward to with having that child and the trauma that can come, the beliefs about yourself and your body that can continue to live with you. And then we also know that can lead to issues subsequently. The research bears out after a stillbirth that sometimes there can be difficulty in subsequent pregnancies of attaching to your child because of that fear. And that in and of itself can lead to the subsequent pregnancy feeling really overwhelming for that person. And then we also just know people who are struggling to get pregnant at all can feel really traumatizing. Thinking of all the medical appointments they may go to, of feeling dismissed by healthcare providers, of feeling unseen or unheard in their communities.
Rebecca Henderson:
And just knowing how invasive physically that experience can feel sometimes for them, making them question their bodies, and their worth and the trauma of that. And then for those who are able to get pregnant, that in and of itself can lead to trauma. Some pregnancies can be extremely difficult, have extreme physical symptoms, can lead to bed rest. Again, that sense of being powerless of not having a choice. And then the birth process itself can be traumatic. And then a NICU stay after for some people of the trauma for both mom and baby in that experience and having that sense of powerlessness.
Caitlin:
And a lot of the examples you gave, even when you were talking about conditions around pregnancy, you also mentioned things like we talked about the response or the community or the medical response or feelings of powerlessness or having a challenging experience where you feel unheard. And it also makes me think about single women who are just trying to get their pain resolved and understood. Have a medical provider who is willing to diagnose them and treat them and how they can feel so many of the things that you just described, even when pregnancy is nowhere on their radar. So everything you just described really does apply to the entire fertility journey. Now I tell clients all the time that women are rock stars. Men are too. But you know, women are rock stars. I feel like we can balance so many different hard things at once. We can be very focused on maybe caring for others or working hard, but we are exceptionally skilled at pushing through when things are hard. Because of that, it's not always easy to know whether what we've been through was just hard or actually traumatic for us. So are there any ways to help us distinguish between the two? How can we know if what we've just experienced was traumatic for us?
Rebecca Henderson:
I think some of it can come into is that experience something that's living in the past. This is something that I've experienced. I've been able to kind of have this adaptive insight. I can call it hard, but I'm able to see that that's not still my experience. Or is it something that's still consciously or unconsciously, and I know that's where it gets tricky, continues to really influence and shadow the way that I'm living my life now. Because another kind of phrase I used with trauma, I didn't come up with it myself.But is trauma is when the past becomes present. So we think about the mind, the body, and the emotions. In your day-to-day life, do you feel like it is really difficult when thinking about that experience to think about it as something that's in the past? Or do you have the overwhelming physical sensations? Heart, race, heart, race, chest gets tight, difficulty breathing?
Rebecca Henderson:
Are you avoiding it all together? Do you avoid reminders of it? So, thinking about you maybe had some fertility struggles, or you're going through infertility, avoiding seeing people who are pregnant, avoiding being around children. And again, everything's a balance because I do believe sometimes we need to have boundaries in place for a time to protect ourselves. But is it avoidance? Is it something where you're avoiding physical reminders or conversations, television shows, et cetera? Because when you see that it's an overwhelming experience, it's difficult for you to be present. Is it causing these beliefs about yourself or the world that feels so entrenched that you cannot think yourself out of them? Because with trauma it is really difficult to just think ourselves or will ourselves out of those negative beliefs that come up.
Rebecca Henderson:
For example, maybe the belief is I'm unworthy. Even though you may be able to logically see, well these are areas I know have worth, it still viscerally feels I'm unworthy, that may be a sign of trauma. And those emotions, you struggling with emotions like guilt, shame, fear, et cetera, related to that experience. And I think with identifying trauma, just knowing, is the life that you're living right now, do you feel like these experiences are becoming your primary identity or are they a part of who you are? Because as we process trauma, when I work with clients, we will never feel like this was an amazing experience that you had. Traumatic experiences aren't pleasant. But are we able to think of that? That is something that I was able to get through and I'm able to see something adaptive at least or positive about myself from that experience, versus this is something negative that controls the way that I'm living my life.
Caitlin:
Mm. This is so important. I'm already thinking of three follow-up podcasts that I want to do about all of this. But just briefly to get women started, if they're realizing that this is them, that they're walking through that, that they did have trauma or they're walking through trauma right now, what can they do? What's that first step?
Rebecca Henderson:
Being able, the first step, of course, is being able to even identify that is a really hard and courageous thing because we are so many times inundated with messages, you need to get through it, you need to get over it. You shouldn't be sad about whatever happened, or is happening. Right? Let's just shove it down. So even being able to name like, Hey, I'm really struggling in this is a huge courageous step. And it's the first one. And with that, I think, you know, coming to therapy, of course I'm a therapist, I'm going to encourage coming to therapy.
Caitlin:
I'm going to encourage it as well.
Rebecca Henderson:
Especially because there are some modalities that are very trauma can be very helpful for trauma in the way it impacts the brain. So that those experiences can be processed in a way where it really has more of that sense of peace and that we're able to put those experiences, have them be in the past instead of really being this present experience because of how our brain works. And so I think finding a therapist who specializes in trauma, maybe has training in trauma interventions like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or other forms. And I think being able to ask them, of course, what their experience is and also really being able to find a community that understands or seeks to understand. Because the truth of the matter is no one will fully understand your experience because no one is you. There are people, you know, people who've walked through similar things can be really helpful.
Rebecca Henderson:
Or people who are willing to really understand whether that is reading and educating themselves some or asking you questions with a humble heart so that they can be supportive. Because the thing is, is so much of our trauma can happen in community, right? It can be that individual experience that, as we talk about that maybe negative communal response, healing also has to happen in community while holding that's a really scary thing to do. I think finding those people in your life that will be willing to really hear and validate versus invalidate your experience can be really helpful.
Caitlin:
So if someone is listening who lives in Alabama where you practice, what would be the best way for them to get in contact with you?
Rebecca Henderson:
Yeah, so if you live in Alabama, because I offer in person, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama, so I do offer in person, but I offer telehealth as well. The best way to get ahold of me is through my website, which is hendersoncounselingandconsulting.com. There's a contact form there. And then you can also see a little bit more about who I am, what my practice is like, some frequently asked questions, and emailing is usually the quickest way to get a response from me.
Caitlin:
Rebecca, thank you so much for being on the show. I appreciate it so much.
Rebecca Henderson:
Of course. Thank you for having me.
Caitlin:
This is so important. Listeners, I hope that this has been eye-opening educational, but also encouraging because if you feel stuck in that place where, as she said the past feels like the present, there are options out there. There is healing available to you, and you are a precious woman designed by God with beauty and intention. You know, your story matters, your body matters, your experience matters. And we want to help you in that. We want to help you thrive in that. I'm going to make sure to have her website listed in the show notes as well as that workshop link that I mentioned at the start of the episode. As always, thanks for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.